I GOT A JOB

YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT. KRIS, YES THIS KRIS, GOT. A. JOB!!! And this time it's not an off-the-books tutoring job in Chinatown.

Let's back our story up to yesterday evening. It was pouring rain outside as I made my way to an all lady's open mic. I was meeting up with my friend Arti who is thoroughly involved in the New York comedy scene. Together we were doing this open mic, my first in NYC and second ever. (My first time was in SF during a college break).

The host of the event was very strange and not particularly funny. After one girl finished her set and proclaimed "This is my first time ever!" the host came back to say, "I hate it when people who have never done this before are better than me." It was the funniest thing she said all night.

I went up. I had three minutes. It was fine. I didn't record myself, which I noticed was a thing many of the other girls did. I did it and that's something to be proud of. The audience was about 10 people, 95% of whom were girls performing in the open mic. My entire set was about being unemployed and I think it read a little sad (Arti said it was just a dumb room).

The girl who went up after me, however, started her set by commenting on mine. "Damn, I could not be unemployed for that long. Four months? I would drive myself crazy. How can you not work for that long? It's not that hard to find a job."

I was essentially roasted at my first open mic. Arti was scandalized. This 30-year-old woman (she told us her age, naturally) took 30 seconds out of her 3 minute set to take 👏 me 👏 to 👏 task. Thanks for the advice, lady. I got a fucking job.

Which brings me to today. This morning I had an interview at Dots, the mobile gaming studio. Also a Betaworks company. But also now a full-fledged completely independent company. But also in the same office as I used to work in, just upstairs.

I have been hiding this job lead from you loyal readership because I have many friends who work there. I didn't want to publicly note each step of the process if the end product wasn't going to be positive. But I'm happy to announce it is! They have offered me a position as a junior game designer. I had a two and a half hour interview there this morning with 8 different people, most of whom I already knew personally and play soccer with. It's a Thanksgiving miracle.


Just now a man knocked on our door. He was wearing a puffy vest holding a binder with an ID card slung around his neck. He wanted to know if we used ConEd to pay our energy bill. I said yes. He said he worked for the company Residents. He said he was trying to save us money on our bills by getting us a rebate on our energy saving bill. I wasn't sure if he was selling something or working for a non-profit telling us of our energy saving rebate rights. (Hindsight is 20/20, OK? In retrospect the former should have been obvious to me.) My roommate Hannah came over. I went to go check if we had any bills lying around to prove that we paid ConEd. Hannah invited him in to hang. He said "You have to invite me in. Are you inviting me in?" I thought that was strange. He starts explaining his spiel and at this point I still have no idea what his end goal is. I do not like him being in the apartment. Then there's another rapping on the door.

"Who's that?" He reflexively says and then laughs and apologizes, though I am wondering the same thing. I go to check the door and this time it's our super.

"Who's this?" he says and points at the vested man in our hallway.

"He's here about ConEd," I'm all too aware how strange it is that he is inside our apartment.

"My man, were you just pissing out my window? I got a complaint that someone was pissing out the window." [Author's note: "my window" is referring to the window in the landing.]

"No, no of course not!"

"Who else would have done it?"

"It couldn't have been me, I was just in another apartment talking with some residents."

"Which apartment?"

"Upstairs," he says. Uh-oh.

"This is the top floor," says our super.

The man in the vest comes back out to the landing. I can hear him say "Are you sure...?" as he walks by me at the door. There is a flight of stairs on our floor going up, but they lead to roof access only. Our super says he is going to go check the cameras.

"Yes, please do that."

Ernest turns away to walk downstairs.

"Man, that would be unprofessional," says Mr. Vest but he has lost my trust after his fib about being on the floor above. His alibi does not hold.

Ernest comes back immediately. "Hey my man there's piss on my window! Can I see your ID?"

"Sure." Ernest photographs the mans ID around his neck.

Poor Mr. Vest tries to lamely finish his sales(?) pitch but if he didn't make sense before, he definitely isn't making sense now. I hear "rebate" and "$4.95" tossed out there. Judging by how muddled his pitch is (aside from his just being accused of peeing out a window) I assume he is selling something.

"What do you want from us?" I ask, straight up.

"I just need proof that you pay for ConEd. Can I leave my contact info?"

So he writes it down, Ernest lurking behind him all the while. I take the piece of paper and shut the door and immediately there's shouting outside. Now that's some New York shit.

Ernest just called me and wanted to make sure that he hadn't forced his way into the apartment. I said he hadn't and we would be more careful in the future. He then told me that he had checked the cameras and yes, the man did, in fact, pee out the window.